


Here Lies My Error

by Andresome04



Series: (Un)Regrettable Mistakes [1]
Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Animated (2007)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bounty Hunters, Deep Conversations, Emotions, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Oneshot, Past Relationship(s), came to me one night, mentions of deadlock, mentions of lockdown, set after 'A Fistfull of Energon', you decide whether this has a happy ending or not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:53:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21983218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andresome04/pseuds/Andresome04
Summary: Prowl came to Rachet to talk about a personal issue that has been plaguing him after the incident with Lockdown. Ratchet comforts him with a story that has a not so happy ending.
Relationships: Drift | Deadlock/Ratchet, Lockdown/Prowl
Series: (Un)Regrettable Mistakes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1587673
Comments: 10
Kudos: 94





	Here Lies My Error

**Author's Note:**

> The idea came to me one night after rewatching 'A Fistfull of Energon' episode and immediately lost sleep over it. Ended up writing it and it just...ran from me. I apologize if it doesn't make sense but I was aching to write it (and completely ignore other projects that I need to work on). This is un-betaed.

Prowl walked through the medbay doors and was met with the familiar sight of Ratchet at work. The medic was polishing some of his tools on a workbench, faceplates set to a familiar frown and concentrated in his task.

The motorcycle felt a pang of guilt at the thought of interrupting the medic, but he couldn’t function with the many thoughts plaguing his processor. He needed someone to talk to and the other members of the team weren’t qualified for the heavy conversation he was about to launch on them. Ratchet had the most experience and was sworn to patient confidentiality thus making him the optimum choice.

He reset his vocalizer loudly so as to not startle the medic and was slightly relieved when he turned to the bike only slightly bothered.

“What’s got your gears creaking?”

That was Hatchet talk for ‘what do you need?’

“I was hoping I could have a bit of your time to talk about something important.” Prowl was not one to beat around the bush which seemed to be the most favorable action since Ratchet was known to have little patience.

“Is this a private matter or something that can be discussed while I’m working.”

“Private matter.”

Placing the tool and polisher back on the bench, Ratchet made the following motion with his servo which Prowl was quick to pick up on. He followed the medic into his office where he observed a small desk with several piles of datapads on it and a chair on either side.

The medic sat down heavily on the chair facing the door and gestured for Prowl to take the opposite one. Once seated, the older mech pressed a button that automatically closed and locked the door before pressing another button that activated the soundproof system for the room.

Prowl was reminded that he chose the right person to confide in.

“Now,” the medic made a remiss effort of moving the datapads to a less obstructing position before clasping his hands in front of him. “What do you want to talk about?”

The young bike took a moment to steel himself before answering. “I’d like to discuss a matter revolving the incident yesterday, specifically the incident with the mods and Lockdown.”

He watched as the medic reset his optics for a moment, clearly not expecting that response before schooling his features to a professional expression.

“Alright. What exactly is it that’s biting you?”

Prowl sighed. “Well, I can’t exactly say it is a matter that is detrimental to my very functioning. However, I can’t help but think back to the conversation I had with Lockdown over the comm. He offered me a position on his ship—a partnership specifically. One I turned down immediately.

“But lately, I can’t help but wonder if his offer was legitimate. Lockdown wanting a partner? Bounty hunters do not strike me the type to want company, especially when it comes to their business.”

“They never do.”

Prowl’s head shot up just in time to see Ratchet’s own shocked expression.

“What?”

The medic hurriedly shook his head. “Nothing. Finish what you were saying.”

The bike opened his intake but decided not to comment further on the matter.

He continued. “I didn’t think much of it initially, but I would be lying if I said the offer didn’t sound enticing. Perhaps if you and the others hadn’t shown me reason regarding the mods, I would have hesitated in declining his proposal.” He looked down at his servos. “Those mods had a power I couldn’t begin to imagine. I was in awe at what they could do and the power they had given me. It was intoxicating and I could only think of the possibilities that rested on my servos. So lost was I that I didn’t realize the spell that was cast over me, impeding my better judgment.”

He hung his head in shame. “I can never be more grateful for all of your support. Without your intervention, I’m afraid to think of the further damage I could have done.”

Prowl felt the comforting field against his own and looked up to see the soft expression on the medic’s faceplates. His own field responded back, radiating with gratitude. He paused, simply basking in the soothing emotions and using them as a lifeline before trudging forward.

“Yet despite all that, there are thoughts that plague my mind. Thoughts I have a difficult time managing.”

Ratchet made a noncommittal hum. “What kind of thoughts?”

Prowl physically grimaced, as if he was ashamed at what he was about to say. “I keep thinking back to his offer and I can’t help but wonder…” He hesitated, mentally fighting himself if whether he should even say such things to Ratchet. His troubled expression must have given him away because the medic spoke in a gentle tone.

“It’s alright kid. I won’t judge anything you have to say, and I can assure you whatever is said in this office will stay here, understand?”

He nodded jerkily. He sucked in a slow invent, practicing a mastered meditative technique to calm his nerve-circuits. He was once again thankful that Ratchet didn’t press him further and continued to support him with a comforting field.

When he composed himself, he continued: “I can’t help but wonder if I had said yes. If I had agreed to the partnership and left with Lockdown.”

There, he dropped the bomb so to speak. Now there was no point in holding anything back.

“A part of me was thrilled at the idea. A life where there was no war. No enemy. A life where I could travel to when and where I wanted to. Where I was free to make my own decisions. A life where the only thing that mattered was getting the job done and reaping the rewards.”

Prowl sighed. “Lockdown made it sound so intriguing. When we worked together, I felt as if we could do anything. He had this charm that made the job seem like an adventure, like a game we had to work hard to win—and it was fun. I had fun working with him and didn’t want it to end—”

He stopped himself before he said something he was going to regret. His thoughts on the bounty hunter were complicated enough. There was no need to admit something he hadn’t sorted out himself yet.

He peered down at his lap, refusing to meet the other’s optics. “I don’t want to leave you all. You are my family. But every time I think about it,” He clenched his servos into tight fists. “A piece of me yearns for the opportunity and I can’t help but loathe myself for feeling this way.”

He took another slow invent, trying desperately to focus on completing his meditative technique and steeling his circuits. Eventually, he looked at Ratchet with pleading optics.

“Am I horrible to think this way? Am I a terrible bot for even thinking of abandoning my team? Am I a **monster** for feeling the way I feel?”

For a long while, there was nothing but silence. Prowl stared imploringly while Ratchet’s face morphed to a multitude of emotions. He looked at the bike before looking down, struggling with his own thoughts. He looked to the sides rapidly until he offlined his optics.

His sigh seemed to echo Prowl’s own frustration and didn’t ease the bike’s growing anxiety.

Eventually, Ratchet onlined his optics and turned to Prowl with an adamant gaze.

“Prowl, I’m going to tell you a story.”

Prowl shuttered his optics.

“And it’s a story that has a strong resemblance to the predicament you’re in now. Although, this story has a slightly different ending. But first, there are some things I need you to hear.”

The bike didn’t know how to respond. A story resembling his own plight? He had so many questions but didn’t know which to ask first. He decided to hold them for now and nodded when the older mech stated his condition.

“I want you to know what you’re feeling right now is valid. Your thoughts and emotions are completely valid. I understand what you’re feeling is complicated. You're conflicted and confused and that’s okay. It doesn’t make anything less real or less true.”

Hearing that brought the reassurance Prowl desperately needed. Ratchet hadn’t outright reprimanded or called him a traitor for admitting such things and for that, he allowed himself to relax just a little.

“You’re a bot with wants and needs and hey—we all have things we don’t want to admit having, but they exist whether we’d like them or not. But they aren’t any less valid.”

The medic sighed again and ran a hand down his faceplates. “I get it. I get why you’d be tempted by an offer like that. Really, I do. And that’s why I’m going to tell you this story and hope you get something out of it. Comfort if anything.”

Scooting his seat forward, Prowl arranged himself so he wouldn’t fidget later and trained his full attention to the medic.

Ratchet too fixed himself so he was in a more comforting position, though slower and more sluggish than Prowl did. He paused, steeling himself before turning to the ninjabot.

“A long time ago, I was offered a job to work alongside a bounty hunter.”

Prowl froze. Optics widening as he processed the medic’s words. “You…you were offered a job?” _By who?_

“It was a bounty hunter whom I had a long history with. Knew him even before he was a bounty hunter. Became rather infamous for his ruthless behavior and quick deliveries.” Ratchet crossed his arms. “The first time he asked I downright refused him and told him to beat it. Fragger couldn’t take a hint and kept coming back for more.”

Prowl blinked. “You mean, he didn’t leave you alone?” Dread crept up in his chassis. “Was he following you?”

He shrugged “Probably. Wouldn’t put it past him. Fragger was always persistent and could find me even if I was in the middle of an asteroid belt.” There was an underlying tone to his words that had Prowl pause and observe the medic more closely. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say Ratchet was…amused?

No, he couldn’t possibly be.

“Then one day, he found me, **_again_** , after a recent battle with the cons. Offered me the same deal to team up with him and whisk me away from the responsibilities of an Autobot medic. A true Neutral, as he put it, without worrying about factions or a stupid war with no end in sight.” He gave Prowl a knowing look. “The same promises Lockdown made you.”

Prowl felt a pit drop at the bottom of his tank.

“And…I said yes.”

His optics couldn’t have blown wider than the distance his jaw dropped. His processor stalled for a good few kliks before he was able to think properly again. He replayed his audiotape several times before he could comprehend what the medic said.

_He said yes._

_Ratchet said yes._

_He said yes to a bounty hunter._

His next thought nearly fried his processor.

“You…left…with a bounty hunter?”

Ratchet nodded.

Prowl barely managed not to fall to a full reboot. Thoughts raced in his processor and he couldn’t even decipher a single one. That statement seemed to rock him like no other he’s heard before. It took all his effort to ask his next question.

“Why?”

Ratchet stared unflinchingly at his optics. “Don’t know. Maybe because I was sick of war. Sick of patients dying at my hands when I could have done more. Maybe because I wanted to taste real freedom from the burden of letting my faction down and the people who believed in me.”

He looked down at his desk. “I really don’t know. All I knew then was that his offer was too tempting to turn down one more time and before I could change my mind, I was in his ship and headed for a different quadrant.”

Another heavy silence followed.

“How long were you with him?”

“Not that long. I don’t think.” He scratched at the back of his neck. “Somewhere between 50 and 10,000 stellar-cycles.”

Prowl was once again thunderstruck. 10,000 stellar-cycles? Granted, that’s barely a blip to the average Cybertronian lifespan but with a bounty hunter? Away from his faction?

“Were you…happy?”

This time, Ratchet hesitated to answer. He shifted a bit in his seat and didn’t meet Prowl’s optics. “I…yes. I was for a time.”

Prowl struggled to spit out his next question. “So…why did you leave?”

He saw Ratchet’s reaction. Armor clamming up, field lashing out before reigning in tight, hands balling into fists. He didn’t mean to make Ratchet react this way, but Prowl needed to know. He needed to _understand_.

It took a while before Ratchet unwound himself to be able to answer. He was less tense than before, but Prowl could see that his aura was dark and cloudy, betraying his chaotic emotions.

“I left—” He reset his vocalizer that had become filled with static. “I left because I became something that wasn’t me.” He swallowed thickly. “I turned into something that I once despised.”

His faceplates visibly darkened. “I turned into a coward. A selfish coward that ran away from my responsibilities and turned my back on the people who needed me.”

He looked to Prowl, and the bike saw the other’s optics bright and raw with emotion. “I hated myself for who I became. I was worse than scum and couldn’t live with that fact any longer. I needed to fix what I had done, so I went back and that’s exactly what I did.”

Ratchet turned his gaze to the surface of his desk and didn’t meet Prowl’s optics for which the bike was secretly grateful. Prowl didn’t know what else to say. His words rang in his processor, but he didn’t quite know what to do with them.

He knew this must have been difficult for the medic to unload. For all Prowl knew, he was the only one he told it to. He wanted to say something. He needed to say _something_ , but he didn’t know what.

Ratchet beat him to it.

“Moral of the story…well…” He trailed off with a shrug of his shoulders.

“I didn’t have a true lessen in mind actually.” He said after a pause. “Just wanted to share with you something you might find interesting, so you wouldn’t feel like you’re the odd one with fragged up emotions. Because the truth is, we all got them. Fragged up emotions that make us do crazy things. The real difference is how we act on them.”

He sat back on his chair with a great sigh. “I want you to understand the choice I made and the consequences that came with it. Not saying the exact same thing would have happened to you if you’d made the same choice. This was my error. For all we know, your decision could’ve had a different outcome than mine.”

He offlined his optics and brought a servo to rub at his chevron. “Primus I need a drink.”

After a moment, he removed his servo and turned to Prowl with a tired gaze. “Got any more questions?”

Prowl didn’t answer immediately. His gaze was trained on the desk in front of him, but his processor was still categorizing the information still given to him. Eventually, he spoke.

“Do you regret your decision? For accepting the offer?”

Ratchet stared at him and bent an arm on the desk to support his helm. He thought over his words carefully. “I regret what I turned into.” He paused. “But I don’t regret the time I spent with him.”

Prowl was silent, digesting the new information. Frankly, at this point, he was exhausted. Exhausted from sharing his innermost thoughts and from absorbing the new information given to him. He was, however, thankful for the time Ratchet had bestowed upon him and for the knowledge entrusted to him.

In all honesty, he did feel slightly better. Knowing that his thoughts and emotions were not foreign or abhorrent. But now, he had more things to ponder about.

One thing was certain however, he knew he made the right decision and for that, Prowl was grateful.

The young bike stood from his chair and bowed to the older mech. “Thank you for your time and for your words. I can’t express my gratitude enough and how much this conversation means to me.”

The older mech scoffed, but it held no heat to it. “Just stay out of trouble kid and if you got something that’s bugging you, you know where to find me.”

Bowing one more time, Prowl walked towards the exit and palmed the doors to open. He took a step but paused. He hesitated for a few kliks before turning back to his superior. “Ratchet?”

“What?” He asked gruffly.

“What was his name? The bounty hunter you worked with?”

The medic didn’t respond immediately. His gaze bore into Prowl’s optics as if he was searching the answer within their blue depths.

“Deadlock.”

Deadlock. Prowl recognized his designation but was unfamiliar with the mech himself. Nodding, he made his departure out of the room and the medbay.

Ratchet watched Prowl leave and waited until he was sure the bike was gone before heaving a great sigh, burying his face into his servos.

Primus, he needed a drink. If he was going to talk about past mistakes and poorly made decisions, then he needed a bottle of heavy engex to deal with that ordeal.

Opening one of his desk cabinets, he pulled out the exact thing that he needed and was quick to pop the cork open before taking a big swig.

Jeez, he hadn’t thought about Deadlock in a long time. He took another swig. Mech knew when to pop up and ruin his evening even when he wasn’t present at all. Another swig.

Hopefully, Prowl took something out of this conversation because Ratchet hadn’t opened up like this in a _long time_. Another. He was just glad he didn’t need to tell the kid all the gritty details of his relationship with the bounty hunter. Kid didn’t need to be scarred for life.

Although if Ratchet recalled correctly, (another drink) Prowl did call that bounty hunter charming. Wasn’t that big of a deal, at least, he hoped it wasn’t. At least, they weren’t fragging each other’s processors out.

Kid didn’t need to repeat every terrible decision Ratchet’s made in the past.

Hmm. Wonder what the fragger was doing now? Probably drilling bullets into his next target or sulking pitifully in his chair bored out of his processor. Heh. Serves him right.

Taking another gulp, Ratchet observed the bottle in his hand. Only half empty. He was nowhere near enough to be overcharged, not that he was going to allow himself to. Not with the mechs he had to deal with every cycle. Ahem—Bumblebee—Ahem.

With nothing better to do, he decided to browse through his contacts, almost immediately spotting the blocked comm he was looking for (not that he was actively trying to!).

Had he really blocked it? He couldn’t remember. It wasn’t like Deadlock was going to comm him every orbital cycle. So…it wouldn’t **_really_** hurt if he unblocked it, right?

He was immediately bombarded with more than a million unanswered calls and unread messages. Some messages were short fragments, others were long paragraphs—well more like essays really. Each call and post had a specific timestamp and the oldest dated back to—

His spark lurched in its casing.

To the day Ratchet left.

He sat back in his chair, breathless and spark feeling like it was being constricted in his chassis.

Drift had messaged him every day for a year and then every month until eventually, the pattern became random. Ratchet forced himself to read every single one.

Messages starting out as harsh inquiries, asking his whereabouts before morphing to threats of hunting him down until he spilled his coordinates or started answering his comms. Then slowly transitioning to almost-polite asks and apologies for the threats. Eventually, he began to beg and plead for Ratchet’s return and that he’d do whatever he had to do for Ratchet to forgive him and answer his calls. Then as time passed, his messages became more detached, as if he’d given up hope on Ratchet answering but still wanted to try one more time.

Each message sent a pang to Ratchet’s spark.

The last message was dated about 10 stellar cycles ago and after reading it, Ratchet felt the pit in his tank grow to epic proportions. He stared at his desk for a long while, unmoving and unresponsive to the noises coming from the other side of the base. He didn’t even bother finishing the rest of his engex.

No words could describe the storm of emotions he was feeling but he didn’t need a psychologist to understand the overwhelming feeling of guilt swarming his entire being.

To think Drift would go through all this trouble _for so long._ His spark did another lurch and he knew it was for the mech he had fallen in love with all those stellar cycles ago.

His first instinct was to immediately comm back and apologize for everything, but another part of him rationalized if that was really the smartest decision. Was it even worth calling all this time? And for what, an apology that no longer has any true value after all this time? To repair a forbidden relationship with the enemy? 

He already had a history of making terrible decisions, is making one more really worth it?

Ratchet planted his face into his servos, cursing himself for being a stupid mech that kept making one bad decision after another. And then another thought struck him.

Is Drift worth it?

He stilled and for once, all other thoughts ceased to exist except the one. He sat there for a long while and kept repeating that one question over and over in his processor. There was only one obvious answer.

He made his decision.

**Author's Note:**

> Does he call? You readers decide. :D Will I continue? MAAYYBBEEEEE, maybe not. Idk. I have a lot of projects to work on which I haven't yet and I really need to work on them. However, if you really want me to write some more over this then feel free to say so in the comments or DM me through my twitter or tumblr accounts below. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!
> 
> twitter: https://twitter.com/Dog04Dre  
> tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/andresome04


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